Skinny and Stupid - Misi's dilemma

There is a good reason why there are no pictures of me on this blog.  Largely because I am not usually thrilled with how I look in photographs.  There for awhile I wouldn't even let anyone at for any reason take my picture.  This is because I am fat.  There I said it. 

Now this has not always been the case. I can remember being a size six - unfortunatley. but after years of serious medical problems which required a steady dose of prednisone, my body has never been quite the same. 

And not from lack of trying. I have tried everything short of surgery to try and get back the old bod.  I have given up sugar, bread, soda.  I have been in the Zone, on South Beach and Atkins.  I have restricted caloric intake and tried eating every two hours to boost the metabolism.  I used to go to the gymn 6 days a week and not put anything in my mouth that was not allowed.  I only drank water. 

I should have lost three of me by now, but my body just doesn't seem to want to cooperate.  Recently I have managed to lose thirty pounds, and I am very grateful for that but it took me well over a year.  I can't even watch those Jenny Craig commercials on TV. First there was Kirstie Alley: she managed to lose 70 pounds to my thirty in the same time frame and now that Valerie Bertinelli has lost like 15 pounds in 6 weeks.  The whole thing is rather disheartning I must tell you.

I have a wonderful doctor who has been helping me with this process.  Actually she was the first doctor who actually believed me when I said I could not lose weight.  All the others had accused me of lying about my food intake.  She ran tests and prescribed medicine to help even out insulin levels and hormone levels.  Only then did I see some results. But my God it is still slow going.  Even my doctor agrees that the amount of weight loss is disporportional to my effort .  So she put me on a new pill.

First let me say the pill worked; I was losing weight more rapidly.

But, the pill was making me stupid.  At first I wasn't quite sure what was going on.  I thought maybe I was really tired from working two jobs, but then I started having a hard time with word retrieval.  Not good when you are an English Professor standing in front of your class, and you cannot come up with the word you want. My comprehension was definately impaired.  I was having to read things 2 to 3 times to comprehend them.

I went on the internet and googled the drug -Topomax.  Up popped an article from the New York Times which contends that yes the pill does work, but draw back is that "It makes you skinny and stupid."  All of the side effects that I had been experiencing were pretty standard.  They are so common doctors often refer to the drug as "dopomax" because of its reputation for making people dopey.

I sat in front of the computer and read the article again to make sure I had understood the implications:  I could be skinny, but I would also be stupid. 

This is the part that pisses me off.  I actually thought about it.  I enertained the idea that this might be an acceptable trade off.  How could I think such a thing?  I really began to question how I had come to put such a premium on being thin.  I realized that I had indeed internalized alot of crap over the years. 

I have been told, no matter what my weight, that I am a pretty girl.  But it is interesting how this compliment is qualified.  Women generaly will just say, "You are so pretty," or "I think you are a beautiful girl."  Men on the other hand almost without exception will say "You have such a beautiful face."  Said in such a way so that I am made to feel that I am not wholly attractive. The face is great but your ass keeps you from being a real looker.

So it comes down to I am a funny, smart, compassionate person but someone may miss my worth just because of the way I look in a pair of jeans.  I do hope that there are men that are not that shallow, but I have too much empirical evidence to the contrary. 

I was once at a cocktail party - and this was many years and pounds ago.  I was young and thin.  I was having an amazing conversation with a guy at the party.  He was there with his girlfriend who was a young blonde thing.  She was the shot girl at the local bar, so that should give you some idea of what she looked like.  Great body, but the face I give a good solid four.  She was sweet and I liked her.  But she wasn't very bright.  At the party her boyfriend and I got into quite the debate on the first Bush president.  It was a very lively intense discussion.  When it had wound down he looked at me with genuine appreciation and said.  "I don't suppose you would consider a brain transplant, would you?"  His point being of course that my brain should go in the blonde's body. 

And so it goes.  I wish I could say that he was the exception, alas no.  He was just the most forthcoming.  Many think such things, he just had enough liquid courage in him to say it.

It has been years of such messages face to face, and from the media that caused me to sit there in that chair and actually consider sacrificing one of the things that I treasure the most about myself in order to achieve some level perfection that society demands of woman.

I flushed the pills down the toilet, and followed with a prayer that my worth will not always be determined by the circumference of my thighs.

Jesus hear my prayer.   

Comments

[Deb]

Thanks for saying what all "normal" women have been thinking and feeling. We may not have the answers yet, but at least you have stirred the right questions. "What makes me valuable and unique and worth knowing, that has nothing to do with what I see reflected in the mirror?"

Brilliant ! and beautiful !!

[Joanie]

Oh Misi you said it so right and so well. I think you should send this article to Comsopolitan or Vogue.

I'm glad you got off that chair - life is good, life is fun, and so many interesting things to discover when one is not hindered by stupidity.

[iblv2]

Misi, love what you wrote & certainly relate. It's so disheartening when our society measure us (literally!) by ideals that do not reflect reality or even what most of us (even men) believe: most women are a size 12 or above, most American women a size 14, and, full curves are generally more pleasing to the eye (and to hug!). Even I wish to be a size 2,even though it's not what I prefer. But, I enjoy myself more & am more comfortable in my skin than when I was a couple sizes smaller - life doesn't begin 15 lbs (less) from now! Have fun & enjoy your beauty & your brains. iblv2

[Deb]

When are you going to post again?!?!