There is an equally loaded reason that there are no photos of me on this thing-despite many people's urging. It’s the same main reason as to why I haven’t posted in over two months –which I just realized when I saw the date on Misi last brilliant post. My life has been about photographs or more specifically my looks because I don’t have a mind like Misi that can carry me. When we started, I refused photos for the opposite reason as Misi but somewhat the same, I didn’t want to be qualified by my looks. My current position is actually the only job I've had in New York that I didn't get from submitting a headshot with my resume. I have this completely hidden secret that I built a life around overcompensating for by being tall, busty, striking and talented: I really can’t read. There I said it.
You don’t believe me which is fine. I’m completely use to it. No one ever believes me –only my mother in fact actually believes me. There are a few who say they believe but I know deep down they think I’m whining or am lazy. So let me qualify the statement to make you better understand- I’m not illiterate but I simply can’t read a book or anything longer than a short magazine article. I struggle even to re-read my own posts. Most of the post I've written have taken several days to write because I have to take breaks often and come back with a fresh eye to fix. Simply put, I can take letters and make words, words and make sentences and sentences into paragraphs but about at this point there’s a breakdown. I just fade away and stop listening to the words no matter how hard I try to pay attention. If you don’t count some American Girl Books in Elementary school, I have, in fact, in my 27 years read only three works of fiction cover to cover
-A Prayer for Owen Meany
-Their Eyes were Watching God
-Of Mice and Men
The last one I actually read one and a half times because I was half way through when someone in my 9th grade class remarked on Lenny’s mental retardation and I was like “he’s retarded?” So, I started over from the beginning in attempt to understand what I had missed. I didn’t but, thank God for Gary Sinse and John Malcovich making the film around that same time.
The amazing thing is I always did well in school yet I never read my assignments. Every year the teacher would tell me that I wasn’t going to be able to get way with it in their class, and every year I did. My freshman year of High School I was in honors classes and got almost all As. I even tested out of classes in college because of scoring well enough in AP English! I actually did better if I didn’t try to read the books completely. I have this frightening ability to read just the jacket cover, and a few pages here and there to understand the characters and then I just knew what happened without reading it. If I know who the characters are I can predict the out come -and I was normally right. I wrote a brilliant paper on the complexity of Asian assimilation between generations in Amy Tan’s “The Kitchen’s God’s Wife” having only read a chapter in the beginning and a chapter in the end. In 6th grade we had to read a biography of a female poet and write a report on her that included analysis of three of her poems and how we felt their lives influenced each piece. I made up a fake female poet, created her biography and even wrote three original poems that I then analyzed and got an A. The girl who did Maya Angelou got a B+.
I guess the problem started as far back as 1st grade but I barely noticed then. I recall being moved reading groups and my mother saying “It’s not because you’re not smart.” I
had no idea what she was talking about, I didn’t even realize that it
wasn’t normal to switch groups. I guess they were by level but what 6
year old notices that? I just noticed that I was totally bored and when
they asked me to continue reading out loud I was always in the wrong
place. Shortly after, the tests started. I could see fine but they gave
me glasses anyway because they thought that was it. They tested my
hearing, they tested me for lyme disease, they were constantly pulling
me out of class to meet some women in the library with Rorschachs and common knowledge questions. Nobody ever told
me what the test were for or how I did, and I wasn’t all that
concerned. My grades were fine and school was just how I killed time
until ballet. No one ever even told me I had a problem with reading or
comprehension.
In 4th grade, about the same time I started playing the flute, the test stopped. I had increased the frequency of my ballet classes and was even performing in the Nutcracker with a professional company. My life was dancing and my flute. After about two weeks of owning my flute, despite having only had a few group lessons in school, I had finished all the lessons in my music book for the entire semester. They actually quickly moved me ahead to the fifth grade orchestra class. A year later I was teaching the flute to students. I don’t think it was ever spoken out loud but they must have just decided that I was musically gifted and I’d be ok - so everybody gave up.
I proved this theory right when I moved to
Massachusetts and auditioned for the new Elementary school’s musical
and got the lead having never sung alone in public or ever even seen a
live musical onstage. People
were really impressed with my performance from my town and there was
instantly a buzz that I had to be an actress. See in 5th grade, I was 5’6” with a C cup. By 6th I was 5’9” a size 4 with a D cup, tiny waste and pretty great butt, massive main of curly dark hair. People constantly thought I was 18 or 21. I was gawked at wherever I went especially by older men. Musical Theater seemed to be the pefect place for this abnormally mature looking 6th grader and I
was really good at it so nobody bother me about school. I actually got
out of a lot of things because my school was so supportive of my
performing.
I quickly began to obsessively build my life around my looks, practicing singing, and getting my body in shape. Around 7th and 8th grade I became flat out anorexic. I was so weak that I only went to school four hours out of the day. I had hidden it so well that somehow my mom was convinced I had Cronic Fatigue Syndrome even though the test for it came back negative. I was sooo warped I began to believe it. Even when I passed out during curtain call in a dress rehearsal and the junior high buzz was that I had I problem -I didn't believe them. I believed that people were just misinformed about CFS. I always remained curvy despite being thin so doctors never noticed. I just looked like the models of that era Cindy Crawford, Tyra Banks etc. At one point I was actually 72 lbs thinner than my current weight and exactly the same height as now. I also became a complete workaholic. Every moment of my day was scheduled and built around training to get into the best musical theater high school, then college then get to New York and work professionally. All of which I accomplished.
In 10th grade I had a complete mental breakdown. I had transferred to a different school and I remember sitting in my room reading the same paragraph in a chemistry book over and over and over again and I can only explain what happened as I flat lined. I went to a this other realm and just wept. I wept for days. I went to my advisor and gushed about everything the problems at home, my eating. my reading, the secret divorce filing my mother was doing with money I had lent her because my father had taken her name off all accounts and she had no access to funds. Because it was a private school, they could get a lot more involved and they got me a lot of help.
By
then end of the year I was almost a different person. I had a healthy
relationship with food - the body dysmorphia was gone and I was back on
the path to success. My friend Emma pushed me to get help on the
reading thing. She couldn't imagine someone not being able to enjoy
the classics -especially someone like me who loved dramatic literature
soo much. They put me on a variety of different anti-depressants and
two different types of Dexedrine. My mental focus improved
dramatically in certain areas. I could instantly pick up difficult tap
combinations and my sight reading and rhythms got better in music
rehearsals - but no change on the reading comprehension. At that point
I basically gave up because it was clear I didn't really need to read Crime and Punishment to perform.
Then two years ago, I decided I wanted more out of life than performing. I didn't want to look back at my life and say I worked for applause. I also didn't want to use my wit, looks or talent to hide my inability to grow intellectually. There are whole aspects of basic learning I just skipped out on because I was like this little child protoge- without the b-movies and coke habit to show for it. Just in doing this blog I realized I actually did not progress beyond basic 9th grade creative writing skills. My fiance is a constant reminder that I basically skipped school. I am always having to ask him not only what words mean that he uses but how to do things or what's going on in the world. Every election I get really upset because there's basically no hope for me really making an educated decision. The topics discussed in my old theater company where so far above my head it was absurd. Luckily, I studied improvisational comedy for so long I can fake my way through pretty much anything but I'm still left to feel stupid. I struggle every single day and the most frustrating part is that some days my brain is fine. I could sit and read the New York Times other days I phase out on the captions of PerezHilton.com.
I've challenged myself by removing myself from not
only preforming but the arts period and it's really hard. I've spent my
life building a sense of self worth on my looks, my ability to make
people laugh and my voice. Now not only am I not in the theater but
I got severely injured a few months back and put on a lot of weight so
I don't even have a nice body anymore. One of the downsides that I will
lecture any teenage girl on at the drop of a hat is that once you spend
a long period of time not eating your body really never fully repairs
itself. If I don't eat consistent meals and exercise I pack on 20lbs
no problem-a horrible reminder of how I permanently damaged myself
trying to cover problems no one knew how to help me with.
So I go to cocktail parties now and
feel totally lost. My fiance's best friends are -no joke- a rocket
scientists, an Investment Banker, a budding brain surgeon, and a Harvard law grad working for one of the toughest firms in Manhattan.
I'm the girl who use to be attractive, use to have a fascinating job in
the theater(which in reality was really awful) and is, thank God,
marrying someone successful who can take care of her. Then I go out
with my friends who are all performers and only talk about who's doing
what where and they are like "Your getting married and you work in
fundraising!?!" It sucks. Cocktail parties are my thing. If you could
make a career out of being great at a cocktail party I'd be a
millionaire. Especially now with Jim -who is equally skilled in this
area. But for me the confidence has always come from being tall, sexy, funny and whatever interesting thing I was working on. But I made a
point to not take jobs that sound good at a cocktail party and that are
challenging and interesting to only me. And with the extra weight I've
gained it makes these situations even worse because unlike Misi- I have
no backup. I can't talk about Darfur or the upcoming election, Kierkegaard or have anything to offer on the state of things in Iraq.
I can still be funny but I hate to say it but I've gotten more out of
life as a shot girl than anything else. More money, more perks, the
amount of valid job offers well beyond my credentials I've been offered
while bartending proves this theory alone.
After reading Misi post, I wondered "would I change places?" Because the extra pounds are coming off for me and I'll be in shape again now that my injuries are pretty much healed and I'll be able to wear my fabulous clothes and buy new great outfits for cocktail parties but I'm not sure I can fix this problem. Misi will always be brilliant and continue to be more intelligent regardless of size. I cannot say that about myself. I should want to change places and some days I do, but unfortunately I really think it's easier for me and that's really sad. Because if I didn't write this - no one would even know I had a problem. My life is an unfortunately testimony that your appearance can edge out your intelligence. I've created sufficient coping mechanisms to get by and everything I can't do - I've been blessed with a guy who can do them and doesn't mind that I can't. But internally I am really sad that my grand aims at writing a book, or being one of those top business women in New York magazine will probably never materialize. Its so odd to say that my original goal of being on Broadway was much more realistic than my dreams to be Mohammad Yunus or Warren Buffet. I know without a shadow of a doubt that there is a reason for my strengths and weaknesses and I will eventually get paid for being great at cocktail parties as our plans to open our own place seemed to be more attainable in the near future than I thought. But it is sad to face that no matter how good I look there are things in the life that I can't do if I wanted to. That's when I want to trade. I could never get through law school. I think I would love to be a lawyer but it's not an option for me. I could never teach literature like Misi. I grew up believing I could do anything I wanted and in the last few years I've begun to notice in a lot of areas that is just simply not true. I know that it's all in then end gonna be okay but I guess in the back of my mind will always be the dilemma of are we created to accomplish only certain things unique to us or can I do all things through Christ who strengthens me?
At some point you have to look at yourself in the mirror and see what is really there, inside and out. Being able to recognize it, name it, and accept it, is necessary before you can make any real changes for the better.
I am very proud of you for saying it out loud. Better to be doing it now in your 20's than waiting until your 30's or 40's, when it is so much harder to get past the facade that has had so many years to harden into a mask that it is almost impossible to shed.
You are speaking the truth, and as they say, the truth will set you free.
Posted by: Deb | July 13, 2007 at 01:04 PM